CENTER FOR HOPE

GETTING THROUGH BIRTHDAYS / HOLIDAYS

Birthdays and holidays present a special challenge to families who are grieving the loss of a loved one. These days might be very difficult for you as you cope with the intense feelings of grief and pain. Try to think about what will bring you comfort and solace on this day. Here are a few suggestions drawn from the experiences of families who have gone through this most difficult journey of grief:

How to get through the birthdays

Think about whether you want to observe the day privately, among just your immediate family, or in a larger way, including a wider circle of friends and relatives.

Try to involve your other children in planning for the day.

Rituals can be very touching and comforting at this time:

Prepare and share a favorite meal of your lost loved one.

Ask your clergyperson or spiritual counselor to plan a birthday memorial service.

Plant a tree or section of a garden in honor of your loved one.

Donate the money you would have spent on a birthday gift to a charitable cause.

Rituals that begin on this first birthday anniversary may become annual traditions, continuing to offer solace and to keep the memory of your child with you.

THINK ABOUT what you can handle comfortably.

TALK ABOUT your needs with friends and relatives.

GIVE OVER responsibility for holiday tasks you customarily perform, if you don't feel up to performing them.

SEEK SOLACE in Ritual. Old customs may comfort you, or you may feel that they may bring too much pain. Do you want to keep to old rituals, or initiate new ones? Or perhaps you can do both.

INCLUDE OTHERS in your plans, if you can. Other children in the family, grandparents, everyone will be feeling the loss anew. Let the support of shared feelings help you.

ASK CLERGY about ways to memorialize your loss in religious observances.

REACH OUT to others in pain by giving a gift in memory of your loved one

ABOVE ALL, do what you feel is right for your family. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do.