CENTER FOR HOPE

TELLING A CHILD ABOUT A DEATH

COMMUNICATE THROUGH TOUCH

Sit close to the child; hold his or her hand or put your arms around the child

TALK ABOUT WHAT THE CHILD ALREADY KNOWS

Tell the child that a loved one has been ill in the hospital and that the parents have been upset and sad. Explain what happened in simple, clear language. For example, "She was very sick. Her body stopped working. She has died. She is not sleeping. She will not wake up."

You may want to use your religious beliefs to explain further or you can use the metaphor of nature and the life cycle: "Flowers bloom, then they wither and finally they die. But you always remember how beautiful the flower was." Another metaphor in nature can also be used with children. "In nature animals are born. They live and do many things during their life. But there is also a time when they must die. All plants and animals live and die. And so do people."

ENCOURAGE THE CHILD TO ASK QUESTIONS

You may want to encourage the child to ask questions that they may be afraid to ask so as to correct misinformation the child may have. You can say: "Many children think about…" or "Tell me what you're wondering about.."

ACKNOWLEDGE AND SHARE YOUR FEELINGS

Let your child know that you also feel the pain and sorrow of the loss. You may even want to cry at times with your child, sharing your own feelings. "I feel so sad I have to cry."
Reassure the child that it's OK to cry, to feel angry and to be upset.

REMEMBER THAT CHILDREN CAN'T TOLERATE GRIEF FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME

Children grieve in "spurts" and come in and out of their grief as they slowly come to terms with their loss. One minute, they may be crying and a few minutes later, they want to play. Or one day, they may be very sad and the next day, playful and happy.

Also, children grieve and re-grieve at different developmental stages of their life. As they become older, they understand, experience and express their grief differently.

CHILDREN'S UNDERSTANDING OF DEATH

The way a child understands death varies according to their age and developmental level. As a child grows and develops, he or she increases their understanding of death and may have new questions about the loss. Some children may experience a delayed reaction and others may respond immediately. Children, especially young ones, don't have the language to put their thoughts and feelings into words and may often express their grief in physical and behavioral ways. Here are some general guidelines about children's understanding of the concept of death.

BIRTH TO THREE YEARS: Even infants grieve. If there were people who have been consistently in a baby's life, the child will have a sense of something missing. As children grow, they will begin to form language and say words that reveal the beginning of understanding.

THREE TO FIVE YEARS: Children at this age don't accept death as a permanent process. They think of death as having an ending and will ask questions about when the loved one is coming back. Children need a concrete explanation that the body has stopped working and won't start working again. They also need reassurance in the face of their parent's grief, letting them know that mommy or daddy is sad right now because the loved one died but that they will be okay. Children may also engage in "magical thinking" believing that their thoughts and wishes are very powerful. If young children had negative or angry thoughts about the loved one prior to their death, they may think that they caused the death. Children need to know that anger is an emotion that we all have and that they did nothing to cause the death.

SIX TO NINE YEARS: Children begin to grasp the concept of death and understand that the person will never come back. But they have many questions and often ask these questions repeatedly. These questions are a child's way of coming to terms with the loss. We need to answer these questions simply and accurately even if our answer is "I don't know." What is important is that they feel comfortable asking these questions to someone who they feel cares.

NINE TO TWELVE YEARS: Children begin to understand that death is an inevitable part of living and that death may come earlier than expected. They begin to understand death in a more logical way. These children may express feelings through behavior but they can also act as if they are not at all affected by the death. They should be encouraged to share their memories of the loved one and they need to know that someone is there if they want to talk about their feelings and thoughts.

ADOLESCENCE: Most teenagers have an adult level of understanding about death. They have very intense emotions and often ponder more philosophical questions such as "what is life?" "What is death?" " Who am I?" "What is my place in the world?" They begin to question religious beliefs. When adolescents experience a death, they may be reluctant to talk about it. They often feel out of control and may become angry or deny feelings of sadness or loss, and in some cases, act out or engage in risk-taking behaviors. Teenagers may avoid family and draw close to friends and peers for support and help during this time. While firm limits need to be set for their safety, they also need the reassurance of love and support of family and friends.

PREPARING CHILDREN TO ATTEND A FUNERAL

Grieving children can be helped in the healing process by attending a funeral that is conducted with the needs and wishes of the whole family in mind.

Tell children what to expect: Be clear about what the funeral will be like, what they will see and hear, who will attend and how it might make them feel. You may want to tell them that they will see the person who has died laying in a "casket." Explain that he/she is not "sleeping" and perhaps use your beliefs to explain what happens to a person after they die. You can let them know that relatives and friends will be coming to visit and that these visitors may be very sad or even crying.

Invite and encourage the child to attend: "We'd like to have you with us if you want to come."

Children may not be able to decide right away, or may change their minds several times before the funeral. Go with what each child is expressing.

Children who are old enough can be encouraged to participate in the planning and in the funeral. Here are some ways children can be involved:

· Place meaningful items or flowers in the casket before closing

· Select flowers, music and readings

· Play musical selections, or sing

· Speak about memories and pleasures shared with the deceased

· At the cemetery, children can bring a note or a picture that they created and attach it to a balloon and release it .

Ask your funeral director and clergy to help you include children in the funeral. You may want to choose someone to be with your child throughout the funeral. Children may have difficulty staying in one place for too long. They may want to sit in one room and then go to another room to play or relax.

Sometimes family members or friends who don't agree with your decision to invite children to the funeral put tremendous pressure on parents to keep children from attending. Tell family members and friends why you want the children to be at the funeral, and ask them to help the children express their feelings and support them in their grieving.